Dear Mom

 Dear Mom

I think I needed to write here to get things off my chest, to heal myself and to not dwell on the pass anymore. 

I am not pointing fingers to you, neither that I want to blame you on anything.. I just wanted to heal so I need to let go my hard feeling somewhere, thus here it goes..

Dear Mom

do you remember when I was younger, where you always threaten me with you dying if I didnt act or listen to you? I was just 3-4 years old.. do you know how traumatic that is for a small girl when you keep saying that you will die or just let you die when I misbehaved? and how you literally play dead by lying there holding your breath when I was crying like crazy because I genuinely scared?

For a small girl who does not really grasp the concept of death, it was really scary when you heard that the only thing and the person who keep you safe in this world will die and wanted to die when you do something wrong.. and by 7 years old, for the first time, I understood the concept of death when grandma passed.. It scared me even more and I learned to never disappoint you even if it hurts me, I learned to act according to what you want even of it makes me feel bad.

I pushed myself hard to satisfy your wants and needs, why? I dont want you to die.. Even when I grew up a bit, that fear had been engraved into my brain and I kept unconsciously do everything in my power to be just like you wanted.

Dear Mom

Do you remember that you always said that your child needed to be No.1 for you to be proud? That we I needed to be the best in everything for you to be happy?

I worked so hard to make you proud and happy, I went to every tuition, study hard not because I love studying, but because I need to be the best.

Do you remember how upset I would get when I didnt get No.1? do you ever wonder why? It is because I honestly thought that you would love me less when I am not the best..

Few days ago, you mentioned that I am the type of girl who hate when people have more than me.. which is simply not true, and I did correct you that I was that way when I am a kid because of your expectation..

What did you do? Dismiss me saying that I always blame you for everything, I guess you never change right? That incident few days ago really disturb me, you still see your child through your perspective of what you want not for who we really are. You never tried to understand that your actions affected us more that you thought it would. You simply wont take responsibility. 

Dear Mom

Do you remember when you used me as your emotional dumpster?

You told me that you suspected dad cheated and had a relationship with another girl. You cried and acted like I am your friend who you should lean onto.. 

I was just 15, I just learning to understand what relationship is, what is love and how to form relationship. I am unable to understand your emotion on this matter, so what did I take from your emotional pouring to me? Dad is a jerk and I hate him..

But you failed to say, all of this cheating were just your SPECULATIONS. none of those accusation has proof or anything

I dont get why you would lean on your 15 years old girl on this issue.. I am just a kid..

You make me distant myself from dad, a decision that I hate to this day, as I would lose him in just few months' time.

Dear Mom

Do you remember when you said that you dont feel like taking care of your child after dad passed?

Yes, I heard your conversation with aunt, just 2 months after dad passed. It shattered me deep inside. 

I felt alone, i just lost my dad and now my mom abandoned me. That sentence made me fell into deep depression and made me felt like I am the only one my brothers could hold on to, I was just 16 years old. 

Since grandma passed, 2 of your siblings live with us.. and you would always favor them than your child, even until now.

There's a lot of things that you did which affected our, my mental health. and I am going to not let you trample on me anymore

I am going to be a mom soon, and I am breaking this generational trauma, this immature relationship and I am not going to manipulate, use those gas-lighting, and your way of parenting to my child. I am going to prioritize my child because I am the only one he has, and I am not going to betray him by guilt trip him into what I want. I am choosing to have him, he does not choose to be born.

I am not mad at you mom, I understand that you did the best you could and you dont understand how parents affect child's psychology. I just dont want to continue this toxic, immature parenting style to my child, thus I needed to clear my thought and heal from your parenting style.

I just hope that you would one day understand that you are responsible on your child's developed behavior from parenting. A child is a piece of white cloth and it is up to the parents to decorate it.

Life update : Heck! it has been 2 years

 believe it or not, it has been 2 years since the last time i wrote anything here..

In summary, a lot has change!

Well, im going to summarize by year.

2020, NOT A GOOD YEAR

So what happened in 2020? i got my fair share of "penyondol" experience where there was a female trying to ruin my relationship by using various methods, even the dirty ones...so desperate I would say

The thing was that she was not attracted to him as who he is but more so to the idea of him and what she can achieve with him, money and position wise. And did I mentioned that she is wayyy older than us..

So we got that sorted out by August, I found out on this in May... 3 months of lost time basically and all of this happened during the first lockdown coz of Covid 19...

Well, you thought it ended there? hell no!

As the nature of a "penyondol", she kept trying, texting and even sent those black magic stuff to us, but fortunately, we were able to overcome it..

By the end of 2020, things are back on track but I wont say its 100% okay, but certainly we will recover. 

What 2020 teaches me - 

* to understand that there's only so much you can do, the rest is up to qada' and qadar also the universe to decide

* negativity can come in the form of positivity

* i learn to trust myself more and know my worth

* if it is meant to be, it will be

* sabar is the loneliest fight you have to go through on your own, for your own self

NOW, 2021 - THE YEAR OF SUPRISES

Things were still quite unstable in January, although we decided to tie the knot this year

A lot of realignment, discussion, deep talk and self-reflecting needed to be done from both sides..

At this time, we were in lockdown 2.0......so things are quite restricted to say the least.

At first, we decided to get married on June, but as the lockdown and all, we pushed it to August as it will be in between of our birthday (im a June baby and he's an October baby)..So, month by month, we started to buy the things needed for our Hantaran (gift to each side; bride to groom, groom to bride), our nikah and reception outfit (we bought 2, 1 for each occasion but ended up only wearing one, lol), the nick picks of wedding stuff..

We then send the form to JAIS and let e tell you, things got delayed. I experienced what its like to be stressed out on wedding during this time. SO, we ended up changing the date to October, a day after his birthday, why? COZ JAIS DELAYED EVERYTHING... but we were all cool...

Then we sent the documents form JAIS to my side of Jabatan Agama right, they only gave us confirmation on the wedding date, like 14 days before the ceremony itself...OMG if I can show the chaos at that time I will..

In 14 days, we have to settle leave applications, our nikah outfits, doorgifts, the whole food and drinks, EVERYTHING..

But thankfully, everything works out and yeah, we are married !!!!

IM A MARRIED WOMAN 👰 - the fact that im still getting used to until now, especially when people call me PUAN..

So we moved into a new place, starting to live together which for the first couple of months were awkward as heck, there's a lot of readjustment arguments which were constructive and yeah.. 

Well in 2021 I learned that

* Sabar produce the sweet fruit of berkat

* Living with another human is a challenge in itself

* WTH Im someone's wife??

2021 really surprised me, the change in status, the wifey me and also i have a husband now?

I ended my 2021 with a lot of weird feeling to be honest 💁

NOW, WE ENTER THE ERA OF NEW JOURNEY - 2022

I got married in October right, been on birth control since April..

so i got off the pill in mid of Jan and guess what, the test shows 2 line by 1st week of Feb..

Im freaking out, me? a mom?? and kids, that is the importance of birth control..lol

Joking2.. Im prepared to be a mom, or so I thought, hahaha.. all of the preparation go out the window once i saw that double line on the test kit..

yeah so now I'm expecting, the due will be on November, more on this journey in another post soon.

Okay now that the elephant is out, 2022 has been nice so far, I finally resigned from that entrance of Hell (workload and understaff problem) and got a new job, closer to my field of study at least.. The happiness I felt at this new job, omg so relaxing and there's no rush.. Everything is cool and I dont feel stressed at all, which is great for my condition now..

Married life is fun I would say, I have someone to bother 24/7..hahaha

in all seriousness, after 11months of being married, i would say the first 6 months is challenging as both of you are trying to adjust and get used to each other (in our case, we are together for 8 years before but still, it feels like you dont know each other).

Communication is key, emotional outburst is the enemy.. Be open to learning new things aout each other, keep an open mind and open heart, Insyallah your marriage will be as calm as the ocean

Would I get married sooner if I knew what I know now? No, I believe in time has already dedicated things for you and if let say I got married at prior to 2020, I believe the marriage will hit a major rough patch and we might not survive..

All things happen at its time, which is perfect for you and your life..

I'll update more on pregnancy journey, my wedded life and life in general but 1 thing that I can say is that, Im forever grateful for this marriage, this kid in my tummy and this life I have now and I am excited to live the rest of my life, finally, I have that feeling after being dead inside for so long..

xoxo

Dian

A year of lost tales

more than a year has passed since the last post. 

I'm not sure if I can say my life has been good.. it is challenging in other ways... I am stronger, wiser but there are certain points that get worst than before and heartaches.

I just sometimes wonder, what is left for me to fight for, to hold on or to let go. I thought happiness is secured, the future is bright and I am just waiting for the right timing to make everything mine.

Life has a way to poke you and slap you in the face of your very existence. The only thing that is so clear, i was so sure that it's mine forever changes in a split second and I am not expecting this at all. 

For him, moving on might mean freedom, a way that he can push aside everything that bothering him, an escape from the need to solve and face his own issues.

For her, moving on is a death sentence for a mistake that is not hers. A false accusation that occurs because of misunderstanding and expectations. Letting go means giving up her dreams, her happiness, and her hope. She will die just to keep him out of stress

She hopes that he will fight for them, as hard as she is

She hopes that he can see beyond his pain

She hopes that he chooses her despite everything that had happened in the past.

what a cruel fate, everything she has crumbles to pieces, everything she lives for leave eventually, leaving her alone, in the bare darkness

i am scared

i am scared, yes, i am
not towards monsters or demons..
but towards mankind that is dying
due to weird propaganda of liberal
that have their own agendas
to inject fears into society
causing the weak to become weaker
the rich to become capitalist
the ignorance to be the puppets of their game

i am scared
of what the future holds
youngsters campaign with all their will
for something that they do not understand
the impacts that it carries in the future
adults living in denial
that everything gonna be okay
despite the fire burning upon their eyes

i am terrified
to think on what gonna happen
once the mankind dies and replaced with controlled society
social experiment has up-scale to the real world
where the innocent mind no longer have the right to smile
where the greatest mind suppressed for their ideas
where the warrior becomes the traitor

this is the world that we live now
all of the hope has no more room to shine
where your fate has been controlled by fear and power
traditions and culture has been forgotten
identities melted away, everyone has becoming the same thing
minions controlled by the political power, positions and money
puppet of the agenda that will only make them richer
leaving you empty, waiting for your time to end...


-addra 23:56 09032019

end of 2018 reflection and plans

hey.. its the last few days of 2018..

TBH i dont expect to live this long... weird...

all in all, i can say this year is wayyyy better than last one..

a lot of stabilization occurs, financially, emotionally, mentally and socially..

if i were to describe the year, I'll say its a year of stabilization..


Yeah, there are so much to pay, do and achieve but im pretty satisfied with this year.. i'll say 70% of my goal achieved..  There are a lot of improvement to do next year, long overdue financial stuff to be completed and whole lot o self improvement and preparing needed..

2019 will be a year of settling and completing; debts, myself, my mind, what i lack, my passion...
It will be a challenging one, financial struggles.. but i need to settle things up within that year..

2020 will be a new start.. a family maybe? yeah.. that's my timeline for now..

Reflecting back on this year.. i do grow a lot as a person.. i find out what my personality is (INFJ), what my strengths, my dislike, my work ethics, my overall interest.. and what works for me.. I matured as a lady, being more open and hell yeah, i have strong opinion and braver on speaking it out..

What i didnt achieve this year was in financial aspect and figuring my health aspects.. Gonna settle that next year...

I learned to accept and deal with my conditions on daily basis, well, i dont have to stick on a routine, i need to be flexible.. you dont wake up and feel the same right..? Well for me totally true..

so D, hustle harder, be firmer, be softer and try harder in the next year


Chaiyookkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What it feels like to have depression.

Yup you read it right...

These few weeks has been a lot of talk and hiss on depression... well, most people just talk without the knowledge or empathy. Mostly blame the deceased or the one that suffer with the condition for not being able to cope or manage stress..

The truth is, depression is not stress. yeah true that stress can elevate the condition but it just one of the factor.

As for me, living with this thing for almost half of my life is aint easy or fun.. 

To put it into perspective, I feel nothing for most of my days... 

It is kinda rare for me to feel happy or sad or stressed... mostly just empty..

to further explain the emptiness, its like what you feel when your whole world collapse.. like when you feel so sad that you feel nothing, or when you just too fed-up and just give up.. that kind of nothingness that drives you crazy. 

and you need to fight with your own mind on daily basis, even on simple tasks.like getting up in the morning or to eat or not. 

you feel annoyed on basically every human being

you feel anxious even to enter a new shop at the mall, let alone meeting new people

you feel tired all the time.. 

you don't have any desire to live, but you want to live

your mind naturally find a way to die in every situation you are in and basically you start fighting with yourself on wanted to live on that moment itself. 

you keep thinking of dying but you don't want to die.

you desperately hope someone will pull you up from this self-destructive spiral...because you know, you could not win this battle alone.

your mind get cloudy from time to time, making it hard to concentrate on simple matter.. you will find yourself reading the same line for a few times but still don't get it. 

you become forgetful, you forgot to hang your laundry after cleaning it, you forgot to put salt in your cooking, you forgot simple things like where you put your wallet...that really escalate the frustration quickly.

you dreams of happy ending, happy life but you know it will lead to nowhere because you don't think anyone would settle down with a suicidal girl like you.

you become quiet not because you wanted to but due to your mind keep telling you that you are a burden to everyone..

you forgive to easily and accept things easily because you know how it hurts to be out-casted. 

people outcast you all the time, being labelled as the quiet, not cool kid.

you have basically no friend because no one wanted to hear you out, they are too busy with their life..they never listen when you reached out for help but you need to be there for them 

you cherished little things too much because you know how hard to lose something you own.. as you have lost your spirit and soul. 

there are so many more description but those are the main 

and yes, it hard to admit or tell people that you have this mind problem... and yes, it is a kind of disorder where your mind really is your evil twin...

I know that there is time where you feel down, and trust me, being down or stressed out is not depression....you can bounce back right up on those cases after some rest..

depression is... well, it has been years and i could still not shake it off.. it come in waves, when its the bad time, you really feel like to die is the best option... when its the good time, you feel nothing, no interest what so ever... 

so tell me, does you feeling down or stress resulting in your mind finding a way to kill yourself? if no... bitch please, you are not depress... stop using that word lightly.

not gonna lie, i have skipped work and classes because i was fighting myself to stay alive, i have locked myself in room, away from sharp things to keep seeing tomorrow... i had panic attack and nervous breakdown in public numerous time, like sobbing there for no reason... i have imagine dying in all sort of situation... and i have visible battle scars on my wrist that only 2 people knew about...i have also not eaten for days to keep myself at bay because i am so tempted to just drink poison and bleach to die.. i feel like im a burden to everyone even to the bus driver for driving me home (ridiculous right?)...

to sum it up, every second of my life filled with the filling of im am better off, not exist in this world... 

what keep me alive so far are my beliefs, my brothers as i dont want them to be known as family members of deceased suicide girl, my bf who stand as my anchor even when i have ditched him several time because i feel like a burden to him...

what are the reasons of my depression....

well.... everything else except for the three things I mentioned earlier... 

it is hard enough for me to write this, but i hope it might make someone feel like they are not alone.. 

The main reason why im writing all of this is for my brother, which i feel shared the same battle with me, and i want him to know, i'll always be there for him as he is my reason to live. Let fight this inner demon together.. im not good in verbal communication and i want to be strong for you.

Let us try living as long as we could, at least at the end we can say we win against the demon..

Pieces of 2017

well, hello...

it has been long since i updated this page i would say..

Its almost the end of the year... fast right?

in less than a month, it'll be 2018, and i'll be 24...

2017 has been really complex for me i supposed... the first half of the year wasso boring, nothing much.. just  at home, trying to find a purpose, a destination...

then from may to october was hard.. real hard.. it has been a hell on earth, especially on my mental and physical health.. I worked as production assistant at Harriston Signature- total slavery....

from may to August, it was pure slavery, they paid me 1.5k but the work load was unreal...8hours of standing, you can't sit unless you're in pain or when u sip your drink.. lunch also was hard, u have to eat quickly then continue working.. work wise, lifting heavy boxes of chocolates, doing like thousand of handmade choc per day.. it was just slavery.. and when you're sick, you take MC, they deduct your salary for being sick..

then, from the end of august till october, I worked at Dot Time Technology, a construction company.. like seriously far from what my field is.. it seems like a bliss at first, like getting out from slavery, anything is nice right? i was never so wrong...it was annoying... like you just came out from lion's mouth, entered tiger's mouth kinda situation... the hard part is, im not familiar with the construction so called dictionary... and the boss was like keep calling to midnight n whatever, just because he can.. like WTH... and I really hated in there because corruption is everywhere, like the whole company is based on lies... 

but then on november, a major plot twist happened.. I got another job , as nutrition consultant for nestle, well, its not really for nestle la... its outsource company, where nestle is a client but, Im under nestle program.. basically, I answer call, fb n everything on nestle, call center... well, its still slightly off from my field but much better tho.. the work is not much, not as heavy... the pay is good, with 2 days off per week... well the drawback is just that its not necessarily weekend.. the people also nice..

and i moved to a new place.. much better as my old roommate was bitchy as hell....

well now, work wise, Im more at peace, and im closer to my love one...

I just hope 2018 will be nice to me, nurture me to be a better human being as whole and always there to make things the way they supposed to be for me.. 

it has been a while

months has passed by since i updated my life here.. actually my blog is kinda like my life journal, well, im to lazy to manually write it and im afraid of risking someone opening my journal..

for the past few months, lots has happened

i got a job, like finally.... and moved back to KL

but as everybody says, the beginning is always the hardest...

yeah i got a job, but it's freaking in the manufacturing line, manual labor.. yup im literally the one that do all the work.. i work for a chocolate company,
the description given was like as a supervisor, the one that monitor the quality of product but in reality its not.... just now i viewed their jobstreet page again, the description changes... -_-

i got a place to stay in, its not grand or whatever but enough.. its a sharing room, basically i have two roomates.. its not ideal but for now that will do...

financially, im still not as stable as im just starting my adult life.. yup adulting is  hard stuff...

im still battling demon inside me, sometimes she wins, sometimes i do win.. but i promised myself that i'll try my hardest to never let her win

i lost weight, quite a lot while adjusting to all this stuffs, and i now need to take iron supplement to basically not be out of breath, pale as heck and not having difficulty of breathing when im doing chores like sweeping the floor... and i dont like that... hope everything can be ok soon

as for songs, im quite into the highschool time kinda tunes... its comforting me in many ways...i really love scientist by coldplay right now....

love life? well its still the same.. just a bit harder as both are "adulting" in process now....

and im graduating on 12/8/17... cant wait

Is it me?

안영해사요....hey all...

Is it me? Am i the one that changing? I don't really know...or is it him, is he changing due to the anxiety that he might feel entering a new phase of his life?

To be honest, i don't  have the answer

I don't feel that warm fuzzy feeling when you're in love anymore, i don't get that non stop smiling when i heard from him anymore..i don't feel as attached to him anymore... in fact, i miss the feeling that you're in love so freaking much...

I started watching sweet, romantic, light dramas that are not my forte...i feel alive seeing the characters in that drama shyly confessing their love, thinking of each other, showing their affection like there's no one around them...

Or maybe the fact that I've been with him since last 4 years has taken its toll...or maybe my heart is trying to tell me that we are not made for each other...and its time to let go?
*sigh...its hard
In a way i feel that i had enough..i just want to forget and start new....

Yeah for sure he has been good, great company in fact, he helped me so much in many ways and im forever grateful on that...we've been through some major challenges together...i did love him but im not sure anymore...

Part of the reason is that this geographic factor for us..long distance ain't do any good... another reason is that i feel he never really did incorporate me in his life..and i always feeel that he's blaming me on some of the decision he'd made in the past...

And i won't lie, these day i always dreamt of my first love, donno why, just out of the blue..and i never vividly remember the details, it's like all blurry but him...

Maybe some kind of jokes...

For now...im asking myself is there someone in my heart..

All the feels faded...faded significantly...

And i dont know when its all gonna end...either we both fail in this relationship or we make it out alive...

Im don't  have high hopes tho...i just feel so blant...

Ahhhhh, i wish im that lucky girl in sweet drama....(its not possible tho)..i just want a man that support, take me as i am and make me as his everything...

So much to ask?

so, what's next?

so, this is the last day of my internship... which means, after i finish today, im literally done with school, exams and classes... yes I dont get my degree yet because graduation ceremony will be months away but technically, im done.. i beat my university life and i survived...

but, the big question is WHAT THE HELL IM GOING TO DO NOW???

serious talk, i always thought that i'll die before completing university actually... since i was 7 years old, i have that belief and thought in mind.. but as I am still breathing well and eating well to this second, I am still alive.. it kinda messed up as I fully plan my life only until university...

what am i going to do next? obvious answer will be work right? but i dont have any plan at all for tomorrow and beyond.. how to say... its like when you get lost somewhere and you totally have no plan at all... or when you really want to eat burger but all burger selling shops closed and leave you hanging... yup hanging... that's the word..

the word last... last class, last day... it kinda anchored me down.. its exiting and dragging at the same time.. left you with emptiness and thoughts...

its like going into battle ground with no protection, no weapon, waiting to be killed....

marriage

no! im not getting married anytime soon.. just that i feel kinda weirded out when few of my friends got married recently.. taking bout nightmare!!

im not against any marriage or even the idea of getting married, i'd love to have mine actually, but strictly not now..

i actually dont get the idea of getting married at this mere age.. yup, at this early 20's... i dont get that..like how do you know you are ready? how do you be so sure that he's the one? those kind of questions bother me a lot recently..

its not that Im against love.. I just dont get it yet.. maybe its my mind or maybe im totally out of league for marriage (most probably)... the word 'getting married' is kinda freak me out honestly..

maybe because i have more things or more goals that i wanna achieve in life.. i never picture myself achieving goals with anyone, so that's that...  responsibilities... I have tons of those, as the eldest I need to make sure my brothers can live a comfortable life, better than the one i had..

maybe because of my priority..  my brothers are on the top, my whole family... my goals are also on the top of the list.. somehow i came to a mindset that marriage is just an extra bonus in life...what the hell i've became???

or just simply because i haven't found the one or the one has yet become the one.. got what i mean? like the guy is already here but he yet become the one for me..well the possibilies are endless..

or maybe my heart still closed shut due to the past memories or past lingering love? but seriously i dont think so..

or the next likely explaination is that im just simply not interested in this topic..hahahha... well, i dont have any flustered heart, the butterflies and stuff are not here yet... seing some couples sometime annoys me.. lol..

there's no urge to settle down for now, and maybe for a couple more years..but hey, who knows? (but seriously nope)...

anyways, congrats to those who got married or will be married soon... but seriously i dont understand you guys..hahahhahah... my bad

# this is just me vomitting out my mind...