the conclusion *_*

in these final days of 2012,  i wanna share my thoughts and what do i have been through in 2012, well until this day....
2012 had remind me that i've lost my daddy for two years...a very hurtful fact that i have to accept no matter how hard i refuse to...
in January  nothing much...in feb, i am sad, depressed a little because of the 16/2/2010 date, when i lost my daddy and because of the spm result will be announced around the corner...
march was super busy...i have gotten my spm result...well not as i expected but it was okay..filling the forms for universities applications, collage and also for scholarship....i were thinking about my future every single second...and it was tiring....
in april,  everything seemed magical...i've got accepted for matriculation in Gambang, got an offer from UPM about a course to be an animal doctor..(i like that)...and finally a scholarship offer...and that was the best...i refused to go to matriculation because i really dont want to go there....well, it was out my plan for my future...if it was not because of the scholarship offer, i would go to UPM, which is in Sarawak....(wow!!)...so after prayer i picked and choose to accept the scholarship..
and it was worth it....
and then in may and june i was following the program of my scholarship...i've met awesome friends and i was like starting a new level of my life..getting mix-up with people from different background, religious state and also places...it was kinda cool...i spent a week on outdoor activities which were freaking extreme...
in july, i started my college...a whole new experience and place...little bit scared at first but then i was really fun...
and for august, it was the first time i celebrated independence day at Dataran Merdeka, with all of my friends from the same scholarship as i am in...it was amazing but i hate the crowd..hehehhe...there were so m any people and it was loud, noisy and hot...but a great experience for me...
things were little hard in September and October....tons of stress and craziness...
in november...a really hard decision i've made...and just trying to fx everything to its place...and also sad moments but then, i am okay...  lots of thing came out at that time...kinda burden to my mind and emotion...unstable....hehehhe
in december...here i am at home...home sweet home...it is  the time for all of my family members to gather and meet...trying to get rid  of   the stress before and fixing myself for next year....here i am , as me and  i am really grateful for everything..... 2012 is a new  beginning for me
#here some awesome pics of this year.....

 *with joe....at majlis raya

 * with my 'along'

 *cannot be describe....=_=''

 *bubble...heheheheheh

 * cool pic....!!!

 * eton,kakak and me

 * moh makan

* at sungai gadut, n9....umah cik atiq....wink2

dont say no no no...

maaf, tajuk post nie tak berkaitan dengan isi post...hehhehe...
(inspired by the song, intuition by Cnblue)...harap maaf...


tetibe terasa nak cakap pasal hidup...matlamat hidup and the things that i want the most in this world....
actually, i am quite scare and  have lots of worries when it comes to future..i wanna be a  scientist but then i've changed my mind to be a botanist and now, i wanna be a food technologist or specialist...
and that is what i am working on now..to  be a food technologist..maybe hard but worth to try..
i am  still like a little girl...love ice-creams, sweets....and i always hate changes...i am scared of changes because i  am afraid to lose memories, people and the situation that i love...
maybe it just me  but people kept changing....maybe its normal
i have lots of dreams....like i want to built a cottage-styled house, with all the vintage elements...i want to own a mini cooper-s one day...wanna walk along the sakura's tree lane...to lay down and enjoy the spring in a tulip field...
and of course want to have A HAPPY FAMILY with good kids and lovable husband ( typical girl's dream..)
i love to plan my life...and i have targets on certain things...but people always say that having targets will make my life more difficult....but who cares what people says...people say lots of things....
life is only once....take it, appreciate it or leave it, waste the whole thing.....

 nae familia....(tetibe keluaR filipina..)...i have responsibilities as the only daughter, the eldest one and also to my mother...sometimes all of this responsibilities thingy really make me annoying and stressful but i cannot run from it at all....i always want a happy life, without worries and maybe some fun but i seldom get it...when i wanna do something, i have to think more than ten times....
maybe that is the life that i should live with...redha dan pasrah.....
i would like to type along a lyric translation from a korean song ....kinda represent me somehow...i love stars

byul (stars) by kim taeyeon...

 the wind is shaking the windows,and over my small room,

the stars fill up the sky, shining brightly too many to count,
the stars reassure tired me
they wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me

don’t be hurt too much..

they hug me tight and pamper me
and comfort me,
telling me to go to sleep

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, 
I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

My dream is coming. though it is unusual that my one star is bright
it is very bright, even blinding..it comes down to my shoulder
stop being so sad..it holds my hand as it touches me
and gives me a warm hug

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love 
that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, 
I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

Only for today, I won’t cry though my eyes fill with tears
I want to laugh like those stars
Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart
Like those countless number of stars, forever

biarkan berlalu....

walaupun aku baru lagi update blog nie tapi nak update jugak...
last night yang bestnye tetibe all of celcom users dapat 'hadiah' dari celom...that was no network coverage....TERBAEKKK!!
dah laa ade benda penting last night...hadoii...sabo je laaa...cobaan
that thing is not the main reason why i choose to write today..(write pn bole laa)...belasah je laa
its about a person...
okay, frankly speaking...dude, how can you not doing anything?she lied to you about everything!!and the one that you used  to know do not exist at all...it just a character, the one that she created...she just created a imaginary person...that 'person' is not the real alive living thing!!
i know you love the not real person she is really much but that person is proven not exist....
she LIED to you....creating a person that she's not....fr two years you known someone that dont exist..a made-up person in this world....
dude, wake up!! just leave that kinda person and go on with your life...you're still young...
you will find the real person that is meant for you....
i just dont wanna see you hurt, being treated like a fool because of her...i just wanna see u stand up for who you are...you're a wonderful person just the way you are...you dont deserve to be fooled like that...trust me...
dude, find a girl that would not lie to you, an honest girl...the one that accept you the way you are, you're my best friend...i wanna see you live happily...
i just dont know what else to do to help you..
my personal thought tell me that she has not only you in her life...well, you are not as important as it should be in your life..the proof? she seldom contact you....finding excuses not to meet you and so on...
i am tired for you dude...
really......for real!!

pabila tiba musim tengkujuh

balik kampung...lallala....best gak kan wlaupun just dduk dalam umah...maklumla banjir....hehhehe
hari ni saya malas nak speaking...nak martabatkan bhsamelayu tpi klau ada few perkataan tu maaf...
perjalanan balik kampung...first singgah rumah Ateh and spent satu malam kat situ....the best thing is sepupu aku baru 12thn tapi dia ada palet make-up....eye shadow bagai....aku yang dah 18tn nie pn tak da.....kelas kau maria...esoknya baru smbung journey ke kampung halaman
sesampainya ke kampung...banjir!!!!wink2...hahhahha....cool lama x tengok banjir yang real depan mata...*tetibe exited masa tu..
sesunguhnya saya nak main banjir....tapi kan...nanti orang cakap budak2 laa...xsopan laa...xpe laa....kite main banjir dalam khayalan pun bole....hheheheh
apa yang bez kat kampng???well, udara yang segar....nampak lembu merata2....pokok banyak....dengar maklong membebel....jumpa cousins yang xberapa nak  betol sangat...hahahhah
maybe bagi yang kat kampung rasa cm x best dduk sana tapi that's the best....more nature...
tadi masa OTW nak balik rumah ni....banjir mali.....hahhaa....terpaksa lalu atas jalan yang dah ditenggelami air beberapa kali...menakutkan jugak sbb kereta pn cm nak mati je bunyinye.....syabas  diucapkan kepada pemandu kereta tadi, my mak sedara......selamat jugak sampai rumah....lalalala...
tapi kan few kawasan kat daerah nie kan dah tenggelam...ramai da mangsa yang kena pindah....kinda menakutkan jugak....
bila hujan x berhenti2 ni kan...perkara yang paling best adalah makan....hehehhe....
ada satu traditional punya makanan laa kan, ubi kayu rebus cicah dengan kelapa parut and diminum dengan air kopi O yang masih berasap....fuh!!!!layan habis....lantak laa orang nak cakap old school ke ap ke tapi mmg sedap!!!...kalah KFC...hehehhe..
yang pasti kita generasi baru  nie x patut lpakan perkara2 tradisional sebab smua tu ada kebaikan....ececechhh (macam jurucakap kebudayaan laa pulak)....
dalam cuti2 nie kan....aku happy sangat xlost kotek dgn dua benda alah yg paling aku sayang tu..ade je idea nak buat aku gelak, marah n so n.....waaaa!!!rindu orang semua!!!*muka sedih....
tak sabar nak balik jumpa korang and semua korang2....(cam salah je ayat ni)
dah 17 hari kat umah....siap kira bagai aku ni....hehhehe....xpernah sehari pun hanphone aku senyap tnpa msj2 drpd smua kawan2 aku.....bersyukur sangat2.....
sayang korang semua.....banyak2 gitu...
*tetibe lagu sedih kedengaran....
ni pulak afif rashdan and aqhil rayyan....adik2 aku....aizzad rashad xde dalam gambar ni....oppsss...hehehhe...

*muka blurr

la..laa..laaaa...

hi, olla and so on..
actually i am doing something pretty bad now, well using my aunt lappy with her broadband without her knowing..hehheh...pretty naughty me...but anyways i miss typing and updating my blog....so, who cares..hehhehe
well, life still the same for me, filled with screams from my two brothers, food for my another brother, malay dramas for my mum and datings for my aunty...me? i just texting with my two buddies...but that also a crime to my mum....seriously I DONT GET IT...
i am just teting with those two, not going out and so on but she still making noises...oh my mum...
well, i felt bad these few days, the kind of feeling that makes me feel worthless..but thanks to my buddy, that always give me motivation and support me in every way, i am back to who i am...
i wanna share a story...
let me see, i make up the two names so that the real person who experience this would not feel uneasy with this story, well the girl named lisa and the boy named adam...(it should be okay)

*adam met lisa at a camp, the kind of uniformed camp in his school days, he met lisa with her friend and he was mad at lisa's friend because she was not following the rules...and then lisa somehow got his phone number ( i dont really remember this part)...so, they started to contact each other, and lisa had a best friend named nana, then something happened. lisa needed to go to canada for medical reason and she told nana to take care of adam and be adam's girl instead of her...and so adam and nana started to see each other..and weeks after that, lisa returned and she was not disturbing their relationship...but after months, lisa needed to go back to canada and she asked for adam back from nana...everything turned complex..adam got back with lisa and still being friend with nana..and then lisa went back to canada for the same reason and at the same time nana also was admitted to local hospital because of some kind of heart problem...( nana said to have heart problem for a  long time but no one know)...at that evening, adam called nana and had a little fight, just a misunderstanding.. nana asked adam to take care of lisa and never let her go..at that night, nana died....and for three months ( or more) adam had a depression...after more that six month, adam was still with lisa and he had two new best buddy, a girl and a boy...adam never met lisa but they were dating....the two new buddies named fahrul and yana wanted to know more about lisa, so adam told them about her...adam also said that lisa had closed her fcebook account but when yana tried to review it, it was still existing...
adam felt worst, but he still said it was okay but yana already sense something was wrong...how could a girlfriend blocked his own boyfriend?? yana kept thinking...and then fahrul spoke to lisa on adam's phone one day and lisa gave fahrul her phone number and facebook address...adam told yana about that and yana told adam that she felt something was hidden inside...fahrul, adam and yana are all bloggers and yana and fahrul love to stalk, cyber-stalk....and they found something interesting...
the found out that lisa is actually someone else...the name of nurlisa that adam's know is actually natsya (not the real name) and she is older that adam....natsya is one of the famous bloggers in this country....yana's instinct was right...lisa had lied to adam for the whole two years....lied about everything....
yana told adam the truth....but adam don't have the guts to ask lisa about it....lisa didnt know that the three of them already know the truth....and fahrul spoke to her again on phone one day...and he asked the truth, lisa didnt confess but she just laugh to show that fahrul was right...
a month after that, lisa was in canada according to her friend but yana and fahrul researches, stalking actually shows that she was in peneng instead of canada...and adam called her when she said she was in canada, adam heard an azan at her place and then in his place that show she was still in malaysia....

#according to this...what should adam do???he was still in confussion....please help me to help him......

oh my life!!!

life.....and its hurt somehow, sometimes...
to start, my lappy turns crazy....because? well afif spilled water, to be exact, tea on it...
i cannot use the touchpad, keyboard and its really annoying....when i type using the other attached keyboard, it will kept appearing with weird spacing even when i am not touching the space bar at all....i am totally mad and frustrated....
and why are the problems keep appearing in front of me??
i am tired, sick and mad..
i hate this ind of feeling, the kind that you wanna blame someone but you can't at all...all of your things broken, destroyed but you can't do nothing of it...just watch that situation with a sinking heart...
i hate this sooo much..i  feel like crying but  it won't help at all..i am all stressed out and  i feel like USELESS.....
i love things that i  own but now i feel like not having anything at all....
i am frustrated deeply.....

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

i wanted a kind of family that support and understand me the way i am...but i just dont have it....
my mum, i dont really understand what she wants or what so  ever...she told me to do this but then she wants me to  do that...mum, come on, i am  18teen now, and i have my own life..just accept the fact that i am a big girl now...stop treating  me as a child.....just give me your trust....PLEASE...
and the others just not supporting me, they just love to drag me down, the always make me look bad to myself, making me lose my confident on how i look and how i am...
i just want supports and trust...
i know that  i am not beautiful , fair and cute like others but just please make me feel good instate of making me feel bad...

#i just wanna support and trust...i can live my life, don't worry

*i wear  a different color of tudung today...and different style too

~at grand continental hotel, k .trg for the tunas geliga's interview session

oh my mum.....

alhamdulillah, i am home since Saturday....its nice to be home and i have a few story to be shared with all....about my lovely mom...
first story: yesterday's
i dont know how but my mum and my aunt started to talk about marriage...
and then...
"kakak, jangan kahwin dengan orang yang sama umur.....tgk cg ** kat belakang tu, kahwin sama omor dgn laki dye pastu gaduh bising....mak dengar siorang jerit2"
and aku ta tau knapa tetibe aku kna condition tersebut...
"kalau nak kawin tu cari yang senior, biar tua 2-3 tahun...bru bahgia"
"kakak kalau nak kahwin mak xnak awal2....biar dapat kerja and biar mak rasa gaji tu dulu"
and then she said
"kakak jangan kahwin lewat2 sangat..nanti xde orang nak"

and so i dont understand my mum....about the same age marriage, for me, all couples sometimes do fight and so on...its not because of the same age..and how if my "jodoh" is the same age as me? so i'll never get married because of that???and about the early marriage, of course i wanna work before i get married....mum oh mum...
*oh my mum.......

second story: about the water flow
the water tap at the sink was super slow because of something that is unknown...and then my mum became a super woman, trying to fix it...but.......the tap was broken and the water just flowing into our house....in a massive amount....so we had to close the main water controller, (ibu paip ataupn paip utama)...and no water for all of us since last night until now....mum, i need water to bath....
there is not even a drop of water until this second....
#oh my mum

my mum actually really funny and unique and clumsy and speak nonsense sometimes...but she's the best....luv u mummy

kesunyian yang datang tiba2

hari nie aku dah habis program 6 minggu aku kat Sols, Segambut.....but i am very sad today because i had to leave all of the things that i love to do there...and the main reason is that i had to leave and actually became separated, with my friends...and that is why i am sad, the kind of deep sadness....i dont like to move around places because i hate to pack things up, put all of them into bags, and its like a war when you dont have enough space in your bags for all of your stuff...so annoying...the worst is when it comes to carry those bags...heavy, big and load-full for me, as i am small *sort of for my age, and i am a girl....
the over view of my holiday before entering to the new college is that i will be spending three weeks at home, doing stuff like cooking, and so on until i will be called back to Sols and then for my registration day.....and in that three weeks, i will not see my buddy, my Y'buddy, and i will have difficulties to surf internet, i cannot update my blog....
and it is more like having less technology in three weeks....
now, i am thinking, how is my life gonna be without those two? i know it will be more calm, less chaotic and less headache but it also will be less laughter, less smile on my face and the most important is that i will fell lonely and i will miss them damn much...that's for sure...
the good thing is that all three of us will be in the same college, having the same program and we will meet each other like we always do...can't wait for that...*i am smiling alone...
**gonna miss this time badly-burger king, 6/12, kl central

this morning, the y'buddy went back to Sabah but we only send him to the taxi because he told us to and it was too early in the morning...i was still in the bed when my buddy called me and just in a track suit, and a sweater with tudung on my head, i am out to the street, waiting for the taxi that will take Y'buddy to his way home....it was a sad moment when you actually saw him waving goodbye at you and smiled, the sad smile.....smile that cannot be described by words...
in the afternoon. it was my time to go, i asked my buddy to send  me to the Bandar Tasik Selatan station, and i took the ERL to the Putrayjaya, to my aunt's office and then to her house...when it was the time to say goodbye, my buddy just kept pulling my backpack from behind..making me lost my balance and then he laughed....and nina was there with us just smiled...when i waved him goodbye, he waved back and i started walking to the train without turning back because i was afraid that my tears will fall....what a gloomy moment...
and now, i am here, in the room of my aunt's house...just now, my buddy called me...
well, it cheer me up a bit and Y'buddy just chat me in the facebook...i love them so much and now, just after hours, i missed them already...they are my torch when i am in the darkness......
tomorrow, i'll take a bus to terengganu and then stay there for weeks...
in 7th of January, my college started.....
so there would be no more posts and updated until then....

p/s: wish me all the best and do pray for me....i love you all..

another thing is that i learned to wear colored 'tudung'....all this time i just wear the black one and check out these pics of me...hehehhehe....

 *the blue scarf, eating donuts like a 5 y'old girl at the YPPB office

 *the brown one, the one that my buddy smiled when he saw me wore this, and it freaking me..

 *another blue colour, my latest handphone wallpaper, and my buddy also smiled at this one

 *the normal color, black, i always wear it all the time because i am afraid to play with colors

 #(exited face because behind me was the rollercoaster at genting)

just realize that my eyes are big..hehehhe...but its okay....^^V..

so hope everything gonna be okay....

@assalamualaikum.......=) >_<

all about us......

satay kajang!!!!..........
we planned to go for weeks but finally we went there last night....by kakak's car with7 people in it....imagine how packed we were...but for satay kajang, its okay...hahhha
(kemaruk makan)
the crazy thing was that they open the radio as loud as they can and they just having an open karaoke in the car...it was loud, and really not something ordinary....
so, in summary we ate 50 satay ayam, 20 satay daging, 10 satay perut and few other side dishes....cool kan....hahhahah...
on the way back, everyone *except kakak and the driver fell asleep because of tiredness and full...
its funny...and how to say it??well funny....hahahahhaha
we do love doing crazy stuff...
there is an unsolved mystery in our room or dorm or our place to sleep....there is a shirt, well actually khalida wrongly picked up, mistaken as her laundry, that we dont know belongs to who....its red, short sleeved and i think it's boys shirt...i am asking all around...
and after days,the cloth is still there..........
*ntah sapa punya laa...

  about this picture, this is when all of us went to the 'make weekend program'......just a kind of innovation program...at first it was kinda boring, super boring but then, it was fun....and the best part was all of us got the certificate of being a part of this program...
about the certificate thingy, i kept mine and also i have to kept munir's, my buddy's.......
*when he would take it....??==''

and now, i am reading a novel called 'maafkan jika ku tak sempurna'......its sweet...i am in love with the male character, luqman hakeem.......hehhehe....typical girl.....i smiled alone, laughed and also cry....totally out of the world....and in that novel there is something that makes me wonder, an issue about guys love to see girls better without make-up... its weird to me so i went for some reference.....well, i asked my buddy is it true or not....and his answer is:

" yeah, boys love to see girls in nature look, it is more nice and pure...for example, like u, i like it more if 

you don't wear anything on your face than when u are wearing the eyeliner and so on..."

so i guess it's true....it just so different...like girls, we love to wears something like eyeliner for example because we don't want people to see us in nature state, because we feel less confident about it...

#i just don't get it.................0_o

woot...woottt***

im excited......i am super exited............and wanna know why??
once upon a time...*chewahh!!......hahhhaah....just last night, i was surfing the internet, or to be more specific,the facebook.....(using a friend's lappy)...and then i saw few link posted by the 'beast official' team....and guess what? IT WAS YANG YOSEOB SOLO SONGS FROM HIS FIRST SOLO ALBUM!!!! arrrrgghhhhhh *fainted
i am not a great fan of him but he's one of the members of the B2st....and his voice is sooo sweet.....but he's not my apple okay.....dongwoon is my apple, the apple of my heart...(*muka berangan)......
download2!!but i am still not doing it....sob3...no time....*ye ke?..........

 * mr. son dongwoon (*_*)

mr. yang yoseob

#i wanna write more...class has started!!!

me, myself and i = addiana rashidah azman

assalamualaikum and a very nice day, night and what so ever...hehheheh
agak lama aku x update nie...tangan dan jari2 dah gatal nak menaip....
well, just came back from The Curve for an event called the TED-x KL WOMEN.....at first i was like what in the earth was that?? and then i knew...and it was really cool..it was just a simple event, some talks and inspiring stories from the famous and special person... and the most touching story was the one told by a Philippine girl about a boy who lost his place, lost his parents and he got noting to take care of him..he began to eat rocks...he was only 8 at that time...and yes, it was rock, he ate rocks!!!!the ROCKS!
and then she told us about her life, seeing her father killed by the communist in front of her eyes when she was only 13....six shots....and i understand how hard it is to see your father died in front of your eyes....i have faced that kind of situation, seeing my daddy dying and dead finally in front of me...it was really hurt and i was like feeling my soul was being drained out of me.....
when she told us to think what is the biggest thing that make we hurt in our life, well the deepest hurt...i thought of my daddy....his lost, up until  now, still hurt me badly, deeply hurt and i cannot bear it at all....i just keep all the pain i feel inside, covering it with laughter and cheerful me.....
i am not healed at all....i am just covering all the pain this time....and i just realize that....
there were a lot of stories but everything is based on how we choose to live....

 "woman's heart is not like the glass but like a diamond because only girls could change her deepest hurt into something miracle......"

the wonderful quote from the speaker.....

well, i've learned a lot today and the most important is, your life is how you choose to live like.....
that's all for today..hahhaahah

i wanna share about something that happened days ago( cannot be exact)....... the time when i felt hurt like crazy, scared and depressed..........there was some kind of silence war (sort of) between $$$ and me because of something that i don't know about because $$$ was the one who started not talking with me......time went by and i somehow made up with $$$, me who did not know what the hell this was about.....it was a kinda weird.......
everything cleared up....but just hours after that, when i started to laugh un'fake'ly (is that even a word?), the $$$ asked buddy (please refer to the older post to know who) to choose one of us...
it meant that he must choose and pick me or $$$.......who is $$$ to asked for that kinda things?????????? i WAS SUPER MAD AND ALMOST CRACK OF MADNESS.......
i was really upset of my buddy.....REALLY2 DO....and i felt like our friendship worthless.....
and of course, i cried....again and again like the 2pm song......