Dear Mom

 Dear Mom

I think I needed to write here to get things off my chest, to heal myself and to not dwell on the pass anymore. 

I am not pointing fingers to you, neither that I want to blame you on anything.. I just wanted to heal so I need to let go my hard feeling somewhere, thus here it goes..

Dear Mom

do you remember when I was younger, where you always threaten me with you dying if I didnt act or listen to you? I was just 3-4 years old.. do you know how traumatic that is for a small girl when you keep saying that you will die or just let you die when I misbehaved? and how you literally play dead by lying there holding your breath when I was crying like crazy because I genuinely scared?

For a small girl who does not really grasp the concept of death, it was really scary when you heard that the only thing and the person who keep you safe in this world will die and wanted to die when you do something wrong.. and by 7 years old, for the first time, I understood the concept of death when grandma passed.. It scared me even more and I learned to never disappoint you even if it hurts me, I learned to act according to what you want even of it makes me feel bad.

I pushed myself hard to satisfy your wants and needs, why? I dont want you to die.. Even when I grew up a bit, that fear had been engraved into my brain and I kept unconsciously do everything in my power to be just like you wanted.

Dear Mom

Do you remember that you always said that your child needed to be No.1 for you to be proud? That we I needed to be the best in everything for you to be happy?

I worked so hard to make you proud and happy, I went to every tuition, study hard not because I love studying, but because I need to be the best.

Do you remember how upset I would get when I didnt get No.1? do you ever wonder why? It is because I honestly thought that you would love me less when I am not the best..

Few days ago, you mentioned that I am the type of girl who hate when people have more than me.. which is simply not true, and I did correct you that I was that way when I am a kid because of your expectation..

What did you do? Dismiss me saying that I always blame you for everything, I guess you never change right? That incident few days ago really disturb me, you still see your child through your perspective of what you want not for who we really are. You never tried to understand that your actions affected us more that you thought it would. You simply wont take responsibility. 

Dear Mom

Do you remember when you used me as your emotional dumpster?

You told me that you suspected dad cheated and had a relationship with another girl. You cried and acted like I am your friend who you should lean onto.. 

I was just 15, I just learning to understand what relationship is, what is love and how to form relationship. I am unable to understand your emotion on this matter, so what did I take from your emotional pouring to me? Dad is a jerk and I hate him..

But you failed to say, all of this cheating were just your SPECULATIONS. none of those accusation has proof or anything

I dont get why you would lean on your 15 years old girl on this issue.. I am just a kid..

You make me distant myself from dad, a decision that I hate to this day, as I would lose him in just few months' time.

Dear Mom

Do you remember when you said that you dont feel like taking care of your child after dad passed?

Yes, I heard your conversation with aunt, just 2 months after dad passed. It shattered me deep inside. 

I felt alone, i just lost my dad and now my mom abandoned me. That sentence made me fell into deep depression and made me felt like I am the only one my brothers could hold on to, I was just 16 years old. 

Since grandma passed, 2 of your siblings live with us.. and you would always favor them than your child, even until now.

There's a lot of things that you did which affected our, my mental health. and I am going to not let you trample on me anymore

I am going to be a mom soon, and I am breaking this generational trauma, this immature relationship and I am not going to manipulate, use those gas-lighting, and your way of parenting to my child. I am going to prioritize my child because I am the only one he has, and I am not going to betray him by guilt trip him into what I want. I am choosing to have him, he does not choose to be born.

I am not mad at you mom, I understand that you did the best you could and you dont understand how parents affect child's psychology. I just dont want to continue this toxic, immature parenting style to my child, thus I needed to clear my thought and heal from your parenting style.

I just hope that you would one day understand that you are responsible on your child's developed behavior from parenting. A child is a piece of white cloth and it is up to the parents to decorate it.