still awake

 a little abnormal to stay awake at this time....well, i just taken my bath...all fresh...since 10 pm, i am doing 'popiah nestum' processes with my aunt and uncle...helping them....
actually i'd love to sleep but in less than an hour, it will be the sahur time, so i think its better not to sleep....and i cant sleep coz i've drank a full tin of redbull, which is my first time drinking such an energy drink...feeling a little bit hiper now, but totally tired....
i am starting to freak out on myself lately bcuz i kept taking photos of me, well easier to call the self-cam...and i dont know why, i think that i look better in photo?
ha.ha.ha....i must be joking...i wont look nice anyway...so, as a proof, i'll attach few photos of me....please dont freak out...i know its beyond weird....

taken by someone...

see....i've told ya.....
i think that redbull thingy makes me like this....
i think i've started to mumble and talking nonsense...so better stop...later!!

a little wish that i think may help

things happened.....good news always covered by the bad news.....that's life...u fall, stand again, move on...starting to feel comfort...and someone knocked u down again...that's the the life cycle...
well, just now i heard a bad news that his father had been struck by a stroke attack last saturday...he also just knew that, at the same time i do....
i know he'll feel sad because i had been in that kind of situation before...i know how much he wanted to go home and see him and that's why i take him to the central station...to buy ticket for him...so Alhamdulillah, he'll go back tomorrow evening....
when an emergency matter comes, u may have to skip classes and change the whole plan...that's how it works, well today, we both skipped our english lecturer, well, we've told our friend. we also skipped Sols class...that does not really matter but we'll give explanation later if they ask...
just a heard a news that our scholar will reduce our allowance if we dont get 3.0 and above...that makes me mad....its like they just added a huge stone on my head...its a burden...i've always tried my best but if there's no 'rezeki and nasib'...what else can i do...
this ramadhan almost to its center of month....
tomorrow i have a math test, so wish me luck?....
for him, i hope he'll be strong....i know he will....he's worrying me a lot....he seemed to loose his focus...so, for him, a special song by Geisha-pilihan hatiku.....:)

Berdiri ku disini hanya untukmu
Dan yakinkan ku untuk memilihmu
Dalam hati kecilku inginkan kamu
Berharap untuk dapat bersamamu

Aku kan ada untuk dirimu
Dan selalu tuk mu

Reff :
Terlukis indah raut
Wajahmu dalam benakku
Berikan ku cinta terindah
Yang hanya untukmu…

Tertulis indah puisi cinta
Dalam hatiku
Dan aku yakin kau memang
Pilihan hatiku

Dalam hati kecilku inginkan kamu
Berharap untuk dapat bersamamu

#be strong =)

vintage.....dream...

i am getting better with my depression thingy...
as the new sem started a week ago, there's so much of researches and home works....hahaha..laughing with no pleasure....
okay first, for bio...
this sem i am gonna to learn more on genetics and also the cell reproductions...
and i am gonna have to conduct on a research...and i picked a topic that is so close with me..' stem cell therapy for autism'....one of my brother is an autism boy, so i am so curious to find a cure or to help him...autism people actually really genius as they have so much going on in their heads....the have millions of extra neuron cells than we do...
for english...there is also a research which i picked to be the topic of beauty contest in children...
that is a wide and interesting topic... wish i can do well
for math, the topics are easier this time than the last sem...hope can do better..
and chem, i dont know yet, my lect's husband had met an accident so she is not here...i haven't started my lesson yet...
i am feeling weird as i am starting to love bracelets and rings and skirts and dresses and all of the girls stuff...the more creepy thing is somehow i find pink is beautiful....kuang2...losing my mind...
everything is okay except that my hand's pain started again this evening and i have to wrap my hand with bandage like its broken....
it starts again...hope it will end soon...
well tomorrow is another day with books, food and humans...
#hope everything will be okay and may Allah bless me....

 

1st of july...

today's my new semester has started...well, first class lesson was only for 5 minutes....cm best je kan...
tapi tu la...sekarang ni free from 8.35-11.00..haaa..aku nak buat pa agak2? so aku update blog....
tengah best aku layan fb tetibe aku baru seda yang rupanya budak scholar aku berjemaah dok online dalam library ni..hahhaha..
first day mmg xda pa sangat, knal2 lecturer je la...course outline..cmtu je pon...
petang ni aku nak ke KBU pulak....
aku rasa its time for me to change kot...change in context of my behavior, like be more cool..
knapa tetiba yang aku cakap sal change ni? sebab aku dah 19 and six days...next year i'll be 20...in few more years, i'll be a fully adult..no more teenagers...
future planning mmg la ada but future behavior mcm xda je...yup you can be as childish as you wanted to but your environment and people around you'll make you change...
you have to change..you have to develop...
behavior changes are like you changing your clothing style...
it will change...somehow..
 
but changes cannot be done within an hour and so on...changes takes time...
dont rush to change...
its true that if you're not changing now, you'll never change, but transformation cannot be done completely within a blink of an eye....
am changing myself to be better.....InsyaAllah....doakan la
                                                  

menanti mimpi yang indah.......

Puttin’ my defences up
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack
Never put my love out on the line
Never said yes to the right guy
Never had trouble getting what I want
But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough
When I don’t care
I can play ‘em like a Ken doll
Won’t wash my hair
Then make 'em bounce like a basketball
But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear high heels
Yea you, make me so nervous
That I just can’t hold your hand
You make me glow, but I cover up
Won’t let it show, so I’m
Puttin’ my defences up
Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack (x3)
Never break a sweat for the other guys
When you come around, I get paralyzed
And everytime I try to be myself
It comes out wrong like a cry for help
It’s just not fair
Pain’s more trouble than love is worth
I gasp for air
It feels so good, but you know it hurts
But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear perfume
For you, make me so nervous
That I just can’t hold your hand
You make me glow, but I cover up
Won’t let it show, so I’m
Puttin’ my defences up
Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack (x3)
The feelings got lost in my lungs
They’re burning, I’d rather be numb
And there’s no one else to blame
So scared I take off and I run
I’m flying too close to the sun
And I burst into flames
You make me glow, but I cover up
Won’t let it show, so I’m
Puttin’ my defences up
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack (x2)
I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack (x2)
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

thinking that my defences failed me...
ntah la, love can be so sweet and calming, in blink of an eye, it also could change to be something that is so hurtful, so painful...
i am trying to put myself together...trying so hard to recover from my depression....and i was about to be okay and she showed up again..
she's like a chainsaw if i am a tree, she just can cut me down n so on..

i have my faith in you...i believe in u....but u have to avoid that thing if you really want this to work...i maybe strong enough at first but i am getting weaker...i cannot stand too much attack...u must block that because you're the one that holding the pass for that thing to come in...if you keep letting her in, i am not strong enough...i cannot hold on to you anymore...
no one can hold all his money if someone kept opening the door for the thief....
I NEED YOU TO HOLD ON WHEN I AM FALLING APART.......