These few weeks has been a lot of talk and hiss on depression... well, most people just talk without the knowledge or empathy. Mostly blame the deceased or the one that suffer with the condition for not being able to cope or manage stress..
The truth is, depression is not stress. yeah true that stress can elevate the condition but it just one of the factor.
As for me, living with this thing for almost half of my life is aint easy or fun..
To put it into perspective, I feel nothing for most of my days...
It is kinda rare for me to feel happy or sad or stressed... mostly just empty..
to further explain the emptiness, its like what you feel when your whole world collapse.. like when you feel so sad that you feel nothing, or when you just too fed-up and just give up.. that kind of nothingness that drives you crazy.
and you need to fight with your own mind on daily basis, even on simple tasks.like getting up in the morning or to eat or not.
you feel annoyed on basically every human being
you feel anxious even to enter a new shop at the mall, let alone meeting new people
you feel tired all the time..
you don't have any desire to live, but you want to live
your mind naturally find a way to die in every situation you are in and basically you start fighting with yourself on wanted to live on that moment itself.
you keep thinking of dying but you don't want to die.
you desperately hope someone will pull you up from this self-destructive spiral...because you know, you could not win this battle alone.
your mind get cloudy from time to time, making it hard to concentrate on simple matter.. you will find yourself reading the same line for a few times but still don't get it.
you become forgetful, you forgot to hang your laundry after cleaning it, you forgot to put salt in your cooking, you forgot simple things like where you put your wallet...that really escalate the frustration quickly.
you dreams of happy ending, happy life but you know it will lead to nowhere because you don't think anyone would settle down with a suicidal girl like you.
you become quiet not because you wanted to but due to your mind keep telling you that you are a burden to everyone..
you forgive to easily and accept things easily because you know how it hurts to be out-casted.
people outcast you all the time, being labelled as the quiet, not cool kid.
you have basically no friend because no one wanted to hear you out, they are too busy with their life..they never listen when you reached out for help but you need to be there for them
you cherished little things too much because you know how hard to lose something you own.. as you have lost your spirit and soul.
there are so many more description but those are the main
and yes, it hard to admit or tell people that you have this mind problem... and yes, it is a kind of disorder where your mind really is your evil twin...
I know that there is time where you feel down, and trust me, being down or stressed out is not depression....you can bounce back right up on those cases after some rest..
depression is... well, it has been years and i could still not shake it off.. it come in waves, when its the bad time, you really feel like to die is the best option... when its the good time, you feel nothing, no interest what so ever...
so tell me, does you feeling down or stress resulting in your mind finding a way to kill yourself? if no... bitch please, you are not depress... stop using that word lightly.
not gonna lie, i have skipped work and classes because i was fighting myself to stay alive, i have locked myself in room, away from sharp things to keep seeing tomorrow... i had panic attack and nervous breakdown in public numerous time, like sobbing there for no reason... i have imagine dying in all sort of situation... and i have visible battle scars on my wrist that only 2 people knew about...i have also not eaten for days to keep myself at bay because i am so tempted to just drink poison and bleach to die.. i feel like im a burden to everyone even to the bus driver for driving me home (ridiculous right?)...
to sum it up, every second of my life filled with the filling of im am better off, not exist in this world...
what keep me alive so far are my beliefs, my brothers as i dont want them to be known as family members of deceased suicide girl, my bf who stand as my anchor even when i have ditched him several time because i feel like a burden to him...
what are the reasons of my depression....
well.... everything else except for the three things I mentioned earlier...
it is hard enough for me to write this, but i hope it might make someone feel like they are not alone..
The main reason why im writing all of this is for my brother, which i feel shared the same battle with me, and i want him to know, i'll always be there for him as he is my reason to live. Let fight this inner demon together.. im not good in verbal communication and i want to be strong for you.
Let us try living as long as we could, at least at the end we can say we win against the demon..
