so, what's next?

so, this is the last day of my internship... which means, after i finish today, im literally done with school, exams and classes... yes I dont get my degree yet because graduation ceremony will be months away but technically, im done.. i beat my university life and i survived...

but, the big question is WHAT THE HELL IM GOING TO DO NOW???

serious talk, i always thought that i'll die before completing university actually... since i was 7 years old, i have that belief and thought in mind.. but as I am still breathing well and eating well to this second, I am still alive.. it kinda messed up as I fully plan my life only until university...

what am i going to do next? obvious answer will be work right? but i dont have any plan at all for tomorrow and beyond.. how to say... its like when you get lost somewhere and you totally have no plan at all... or when you really want to eat burger but all burger selling shops closed and leave you hanging... yup hanging... that's the word..

the word last... last class, last day... it kinda anchored me down.. its exiting and dragging at the same time.. left you with emptiness and thoughts...

its like going into battle ground with no protection, no weapon, waiting to be killed....

marriage

no! im not getting married anytime soon.. just that i feel kinda weirded out when few of my friends got married recently.. taking bout nightmare!!

im not against any marriage or even the idea of getting married, i'd love to have mine actually, but strictly not now..

i actually dont get the idea of getting married at this mere age.. yup, at this early 20's... i dont get that..like how do you know you are ready? how do you be so sure that he's the one? those kind of questions bother me a lot recently..

its not that Im against love.. I just dont get it yet.. maybe its my mind or maybe im totally out of league for marriage (most probably)... the word 'getting married' is kinda freak me out honestly..

maybe because i have more things or more goals that i wanna achieve in life.. i never picture myself achieving goals with anyone, so that's that...  responsibilities... I have tons of those, as the eldest I need to make sure my brothers can live a comfortable life, better than the one i had..

maybe because of my priority..  my brothers are on the top, my whole family... my goals are also on the top of the list.. somehow i came to a mindset that marriage is just an extra bonus in life...what the hell i've became???

or just simply because i haven't found the one or the one has yet become the one.. got what i mean? like the guy is already here but he yet become the one for me..well the possibilies are endless..

or maybe my heart still closed shut due to the past memories or past lingering love? but seriously i dont think so..

or the next likely explaination is that im just simply not interested in this topic..hahahha... well, i dont have any flustered heart, the butterflies and stuff are not here yet... seing some couples sometime annoys me.. lol..

there's no urge to settle down for now, and maybe for a couple more years..but hey, who knows? (but seriously nope)...

anyways, congrats to those who got married or will be married soon... but seriously i dont understand you guys..hahahhahah... my bad

# this is just me vomitting out my mind...